This is what it means to be human

"I confess I've been messed up (wandering down the street)

In denial ('til the bright lights come for me)"

I stumble on to this music video and felt like posting it here cause it's sort of a nice representation of I talk with my own depression.

I'm doing, ok. I've been getting out of the house lately but, I think that was because I went to see some online friends at an event in Minnesota. And yes I was at Minnesota. At first I was scared but as soon as I was with friends, things felt alright and I had an amazing time. But now, that I'm back here in Toronto, I need to keep on getting out of the house and have fun.

Spoke to Jon the other day and we hung out like we always do. Him and I have been going through a lot since we've met; but we're always supporting each other. 

I love him to kibbles and bits, but we believe living in Toronto isn't so great in terms of having a happy life here.

This city is very business oriented and it's sad.

Not in the mood

“She spent her entire childhood in the net.”

“That’s why she has troubles speaking”

“Her home is in the computer. She can only see the outside from the inside. She’s always in there, searching for herself. Searching for her family. She’s trying to find out who she is and where she’s going.”

- Otocon MGS 4

The year is about to end and I’m not happy about it.

The last half of my year of 2018 went into a mess, and I am slowly picking it up and putting it together but I don’t feel so fulfilled.

I took a break from school to focus more on myself. What I have been doing for the passed 5 months was be a basement hermit, talk to my online therapist, take my meds and once in a blue moon head out and see some friends at a vape shop till 8pm and then go back to my cave and be a hermit. 

I don’t know how to really socialize with peoples now days cause I’ve been so hurt for what I’ve experienced over the summer.

I don’t know how to connect with people and be close cause of what have been said to me. It urges to go straight back home, the place where I was born and raised because it’s the only place in the world where I feel safe. But I’m here in the middle of a hick town in Ontario, in a basement, hiding away sometimes crying myself to sleep cause I feel so alone.

I know I have friends back at home and other parts of the world; and they always have my back but, when you’re out alone, in a new environment trying to fit in thinking you found your second family but then suddenly cast out for a misunderstanding it’s cold, and sad, and again lonely.

Lately, to make myself feel better and connect with other people out there is that I just submerged myself in the interwebs. I Put myself out on Twitch.tv. I started streaming myself putting my true self out there (well sorta), warts and all, my depression, my anxieties and agression all for everyone to see and to accept me for who I am. I gained a few friends online and I hope to meet them one day in future events like, Twitch-con, Twitch meet ups and AGDQ. But the main reason why I streamed is because I wanted to share the video game that saved my life; Metal Gear Solid. I wanted to stream it because I want people to know what it means to me, and hope they get the same message and know that they’re not the only one who suffers.

A girl one day thanked me, because she went through a similar situation that I have and saw the same message that I witnessed in the game.

That touched me and that encourages me to stream more to find people liked her and just connect. And I have! But I still feel alone, cause I’m alone in the physical world.

Last night I did my final stream of the year. It was fun, but as I was about to end, I said to my viewers that I wish them a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And that I wish that they succeeded in their goals this year and if not, then do it for next year in 2019.... I got sad.

I got sad because I’m not happy with the way 2018 is about to end.

In a nutshell, for the past few days now my brain is just saying, “I don’t want time to continue, I don’t want this year to end, I’m not happy with the way it’s ending and I don’t care for Christmas and I don’t care for New Years. I don’t want any responsibilities, I don’t like to be in dept, and I’m scared of going back to school. I just want to focus on me and fix things.” 

... I’m scared of talking to the person who hurt me recently, but at the same time I want to cause this person needs to know. But I don’t know if this person will understand....

Am I hung up on this person? Yeah you can say that (and no it is not my ex boyfriend that you think who fucked me up) but, I don’t want this guy to be my significant other, I just want my friend back.

Aawake At Night

Alone in a crowded room

My eyes will search for you

Abandoned by my company 

I'll search for what's in front of me 

And hope that I find something new

My heart is like the ocean searching 

searching for the shore I’m learning 

There must be something more than dreaming

This heart of mine is tired 

But my feet will not retire 

The alcohol will not suppress the fear of death and loneliness 

I know that I’m not alone 

My heart is like the ocean searching 

Searching for the shore I’m learning 

There must be something more than dreaming

My heart is like the ocean searching 

Searching for the shore I’m learning 

There must be something more than dreaming

I’ve wrestled with the truth for quite some time 

But I’ve been drowning in this restless mind

I’m sick of being so unsatisfied. 

Tell me if the answer’s right 

God are you awake at night?

Cause I've been abandoned by my company,

I’ll search for what’s in front of me 

and hope that I find something new

My heart is like the ocean searching 

Searching for the shore I’m learning 

There must be something more than dreaming

My heart is like the ocean searching 

Searching for the shore I’m learning 

There must be something more than dreaming

Internally How I Look Like When I Bottle Things Up

I just had to put this here cause it made me laugh and I can relate.

Embracing My Flaws (Part 2)

I wrote this the day after watching a movie called "Girl Interrupted" which is a movie I tend to watch a lot when I'm in a weird mood. Each time I watch it, there always something new from the movie I know so well that shocks me and questions myself.

Sept. 20, 2018

5:04 am

I am aware that I suffer with depression and I feel amazing talking about my problems instead of keeping it to myself.

I am open about myself warts and all to everyone but is that a good thing?

Am I wrong airing out to people about myself and my problems?

I suffer with depression; having extreme low self-esteem that I'm exhausted. People tell me that I should kick that bully, that voice that plants terrible things in my head out. But it's not easy. And I don't know if she'll ever leave.

Taking my anti-depressants quiets her a little and I'm somewhat ok with dealing with that.

Seeing my therapist is good, but his mental homework gets me stuck in a sad mood for hours.

My homework was to just let everything out that is holding me back for 10 minutes. After allowing myself to express what's going on internally, I can get back to my day and do things that makes me happy.  But instead of expressing myself for 10 minutes, I stayed there for a very long time.

I don't know if it's because it's some weird comfort, or if it's because I want to fix things. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Present day:

I told my therapist last week about my experience with his homework. He said what I did was a good thing to allow myself to express the way I'm feeling. Though it does feel good to cry, I'm also uncomfortable with it.

Yes I said earlier that the reason I'm stuck being sad is because it's some weird comfort but, when I'm trying to enjoy myself or I'm out in public, I don't like to show it. So I bottle it up and put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy; when my insides feels sick and I want to puke cause I'm having anxieties trying to impersonate that I'm normal.

I am contradicting myself. Cause earlier I said that I feel great talking about my depression and my own problems. But I think the reason for that is because I want to let people know that they're not the only one who suffers with this mental illness; and that I'm trying to take care of myself.

I tell people my past low episodes and how I over came it, and I tell some people about my current situation cause I need the help; and it feels good to talk and to ask. To ask for help, for an advice, a shoulder to cry on, a hug.

My latest mental homework now that my therapist gave me, is to think of something that makes me happy; something that I can do that can cheer me up.

To be honest, what would really make me happy right now, is to go back home to Montreal and be surrounded by my bestest friends. Louis, Damian, Jon (my 3 men who will be my bride's maids in the future.... If I ever get married) and all my lovely weirdos who loves me for who I am and made me what I am; a strange nerdy social child. Flint, Emilie, Jimmy, Audrey, Hakeem, Miguel, Alex.... The Dawson Chill Club lol

This was taken at my goodbye party (July, 2016)

Thinking about this made me sad. Cause I'm so far away.

Embracing My Flaws?

"What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worlds? It's a very big question you're faced with. The choice of your life, how much will you indulge in your flaws.

What are you flaws? Are they flaws? If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital for life? Big questions, big decisions."  

- Dr. Wick played by Vanessa Redgrave from 

"Girl Interrupted"

Me, Myself, Cipralex and My Bully The Depression

"We always have a story" - Nina Simone "Stars"

So the cat is out of the bag. If you've been checking out this online diary since day one you've probably figured it out long time ago. If not, you must be new; and hello. I welcome you to browse around and listen to my story. And if I had the guts to show you this blog, that means you mean a lot to me and please except me for who I am. I may be annoying with my episodes at times and it's hard to get out of this mind set but I am trying, and making an effort.

First of all, I would like to say I am safe. I am currently here in my bedroom in my new apartment, listening to "Stars" by Nina Simone and writing this blog around 4:30 in the morning.

Second of all, why am I telling you that I am safe is because in the past and even now, I've been having suicidal thoughts; I mean its clear when I written a post last year stating that I needed help. Because I was planning to kill myself around that time.

... I had a plan to kill myself.

That's a scary thought to have. Well, I'm still here so that means I did something right, right? No I'm a ghost now and my ectoplasm tentacles is typing this entry. Duh I did something about it or else I wouldn't be here. I went to see my family doctor one day cause I was so exhausted from my own negative thoughts. I was diagnosed with depression with a hint of anxiety and I was given 10 milligrams of Teva-Escitalopram also known as Lexapro or as Cipralex.

"Escitalopram belongs to the group of medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It works by increasing levels of a neurotransmitter called serotonin in the brain."  - MedBroacast

So that means you're cured now right? You're no longer depressed? Yes and No. Medication is just half the battle. My anti-depressants just gives me a boost of a bit of happiness and energy to get out of bed and make my day. 

It's like this, I have this voice in my head and I call her the bully. This bully will point out all of my flaws, say how stupid I am etc., etc. When I take my anti-depressant, instead of listening to my bully saying all these awful negative things to me and felling like shit, I'll have a conversation with it and see what can make us both happy. We try to solve my problems; and see what we can do. And no I do not speak out loud in public to my invisible bully. I do this in my head; I'm not that crazy.

It works most of the time, till my period comes in and I get all moody cause my bully is just yelling at me that I can't talk back to it. So my doctor brought me up to 15 milligrams. It seemed like it did the trick cause I was on 15 milligrams for a good year and a half. Now I'm up to 20 milligrams and it's been a month and I feel meh. There are moments when I'm having a good time, like when I play video games with friends (I play a lot of Overwatch on the PS4), but my brain likes to go back to being upset because I don't deserve to be happy. Why? Cause something happened to me last month and now my bully is as loud as ever. Or I guess she's basically at the same volume as she was before I started taking my anti-depressants.

Was this traumatic event done by your ex that you couldn't get over for 4 years? Actually no. I finally got over that... I actually have a rough draft that I've written around April, 2017 called "Spring Awakening" that explains what happened. I'll post it up one day... If I have the guts for it.

No, it was done by something else; and it's all a misunderstanding and I can't do much at the moment.

At this time, I don't feel like explaining this event online cause its sorta personal. Even though I express a lot and reveal the dark side myself on this blog, I'm just not ready to put it here cause this is an open to public blog and anyone can see this. But if you do know me in person and ask me about it, we can talk.

Let's get back to the topic of my depression. Where did this stem from? It came from my childhood. My bully is a reflection of my low self esteem.

The first time I can recall I heard these words of you're not good enough, you're not smart, you're fat... was from my own father.

I love my father because he my dad. He's loving, he cares and he's awesome. But when his temper comes in it can be too much.

See my mom and dad came from the Philippines and they grew up with terrible punishments. Like when my dad was young, he use to kneel on a pile of uncooked rice for an hour cause he did something wrong. He even told me recently that my grandparents use to hang him upside down. That's fucked up!

When my dad moved to Canada and met my mom and had me, even though he didn't like the punishments he received as a child, he brought that to his parenting... Except I didn't get the rice or was hung upside down. Instead I would get the belt; all of it. The leather, the buckle, or the end of the belt that has a heavy weight metal attached to it. I would get bruises from it that I have to cover it whenever I go to school. Not only would I get beat up by my dad but he would also destroy any furniture that is near him.

I remember he ruined my desk (you know one of those desk you would get when you were in school that opens up and all your text books are in there) by stabbing it with a pencil. He even tried to break one of my classical guitars I got as a present (this is when I became a young adult btw when I was 18 or somewhere around my 20's. So this type of parenting style has been going on for a very long time and I don't know if he'll change his anger. I can tell you this though, he doesn't beat me anymore).

He would also compare me to my other friends when I was in elementary and high school. "Ann, why can't you be more like this girl. She's smart and has very good grades."

My dad told me that this type of parenting style was exceptional because when he was a kid, he actually learned something from it. I am not like my father though. I am me; and my dad emotionally and mentally fucked me up.

I forgave him for what he has done in the passed, but I cannot ever, EVER forget.

The first time I started hating myself, I wanna say I was 4 years old. What did I do that was so wrong that I needed a beating? Well, I was a lefty.

Left hands are the sign of the devil and my father, and also my mother are very devoted Catholics.

My mom actually had not much part with my low self esteem. I told her about it the other day and also to my dad, about the whole left hand thing and she knew it. She knew this would happen to me and she cried about it because when I was young she begged my dad to not do this. But it happened; and here I am. This is me.

The punishment I received from my dad was so scaring that I began to beat myself up whenever I use my left hand. Eventually I turned to a righty (well I'm more of an ambi. Can't write much with my left now days but I can do other things with my left. Like washing dishes, and some sports like hockey and dragon boat).

As I got older and attended high school I got bullied for being a nerd and different. I got hurt from it but didn't really take much of an effect on me. I didn't start hating myself hardcore till I started college. That's when I started becoming depressed.

... I think the reason why I put myself down a lot is because I upset the people I care for; like deep in my heart. To be honest, it's whenever I'm in a relationship... I think you can see a pattern. Also my passed entries really gives it away.

What else can I say? My passed relationships with men, whenever I upset them, they would say something similar to what my father had said to me. You're acting like a child, you're stupid, you're not good enough, I don't love you...

Anyways, I just wanted to explain you what I've been dealing with in my head for years.

What am I doing right now? Well it's now 7:34 am and I am currently listening to "Me and My Shadow" by Julie London (Spotify just randomly played this for me) and I'm in my second year of university now (wow took you 5 years after graduating college to go to university? Shut up I had my reasons <.<) But I'm still taking my 20 milligrams of my anti-depressants, 5 milligrams of melatonin to help me with my sleep cause I now have insomnia due to my depression (also the reason why I am not taking it right now is because I don't have school or work today and felt like explaining myself after that last post I made last night), and I see a therapist once a week now. Also I'm reading/listening to an audio book of  "Hardcore Self Help: Fuck Depression" by Dr. Robert Duff.

What I'm doing now are baby steps and they are helping me... except for school cause I have anxieties whenever I go cause I pretend like I'm fine when I'm really not and I have to run to the bathroom cause I need to puke... Yeah anxieties... But what would really help me right now (asides from being in my pjs and just be in bed all day and play video games) is to have family around. What I mean is friends, my support, my rock. Like I said earlier, medication is only half the battle, and I have some tools to fight but I'm lacking one thing.

Being in a new town with a small social circle, I can get lonely. And when I'm alone, I'm alone with my bully.

I'm not asking you guys to be stuck with me 24/7 but just chill with me when you can.

Thanks for sticking around and hear my story.

Side note, I most likely will be posting more so stay tuned for me deep shit with Annalou. And don't worry it's not like before where I cry about my ex's. I'm actually think about writing about my suicidal thoughts and attempts... Ya I know it's dark but it has a good light in the end. I also wanna write about the stigma and the social views about depression.

Have a good night or day depending on what time you're reading this. I'm gonna K.O now.... It is currently 8:00am