Embracing My Flaws (Part 2)

I wrote this the day after watching a movie called "Girl Interrupted" which is a movie I tend to watch a lot when I'm in a weird mood. Each time I watch it, there always something new from the movie I know so well that shocks me and questions myself.

Sept. 20, 2018

5:04 am

I am aware that I suffer with depression and I feel amazing talking about my problems instead of keeping it to myself.

I am open about myself warts and all to everyone but is that a good thing?

Am I wrong airing out to people about myself and my problems?

I suffer with depression; having extreme low self-esteem that I'm exhausted. People tell me that I should kick that bully, that voice that plants terrible things in my head out. But it's not easy. And I don't know if she'll ever leave.

Taking my anti-depressants quiets her a little and I'm somewhat ok with dealing with that.

Seeing my therapist is good, but his mental homework gets me stuck in a sad mood for hours.

My homework was to just let everything out that is holding me back for 10 minutes. After allowing myself to express what's going on internally, I can get back to my day and do things that makes me happy.  But instead of expressing myself for 10 minutes, I stayed there for a very long time.

I don't know if it's because it's some weird comfort, or if it's because I want to fix things. 

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Present day:

I told my therapist last week about my experience with his homework. He said what I did was a good thing to allow myself to express the way I'm feeling. Though it does feel good to cry, I'm also uncomfortable with it.

Yes I said earlier that the reason I'm stuck being sad is because it's some weird comfort but, when I'm trying to enjoy myself or I'm out in public, I don't like to show it. So I bottle it up and put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy; when my insides feels sick and I want to puke cause I'm having anxieties trying to impersonate that I'm normal.

I am contradicting myself. Cause earlier I said that I feel great talking about my depression and my own problems. But I think the reason for that is because I want to let people know that they're not the only one who suffers with this mental illness; and that I'm trying to take care of myself.

I tell people my past low episodes and how I over came it, and I tell some people about my current situation cause I need the help; and it feels good to talk and to ask. To ask for help, for an advice, a shoulder to cry on, a hug.

My latest mental homework now that my therapist gave me, is to think of something that makes me happy; something that I can do that can cheer me up.

To be honest, what would really make me happy right now, is to go back home to Montreal and be surrounded by my bestest friends. Louis, Damian, Jon (my 3 men who will be my bride's maids in the future.... If I ever get married) and all my lovely weirdos who loves me for who I am and made me what I am; a strange nerdy social child. Flint, Emilie, Jimmy, Audrey, Hakeem, Miguel, Alex.... The Dawson Chill Club lol

This was taken at my goodbye party (July, 2016)

Thinking about this made me sad. Cause I'm so far away.