"What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worlds? It's a very big question you're faced with. The choice of your life, how much will you indulge in your flaws.
What are you flaws? Are they flaws? If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital for life? Big questions, big decisions."
So the cat is out of the bag. If you've been checking out this online diary since day one you've probably figured it out long time ago. If not, you must be new; and hello. I welcome you to browse around and listen to my story. And if I had the guts to show you this blog, that means you mean a lot to me and please except me for who I am. I may be annoying with my episodes at times and it's hard to get out of this mind set but I am trying, and making an effort. First of all, I would like to say I am safe. I am currently here in my bedroom in my new apartment, listening to "Stars" by Nina Simone and writing this blog around 4:30 in the morning. Second of all, why am I telling you that I am safe is because in the past and even now, I've been having suicidal thoughts; I mean its clear when I written a post last year stating that I needed help. Because I was planning to kill myself around that time. ... I had a plan to kill myself. That's a scary thought to have. Well, I'm still here so that means I did something right, right? No I'm a ghost now and my ectoplasm tentacles is typing this entry. Duh I did something about it or else I wouldn't be here. I went to see my family doctor one day cause I was so exhausted from my own negative thoughts. I was diagnosed with depression with a hint of anxiety and I was given 10 milligrams of Teva-Escitalopram also known as Lexapro or as Cipralex.
"Escitalopram belongs to the group of medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It works by increasing levels of a neurotransmitter called serotonin in the brain." - MedBroacast
So that means you're cured now right? You're no longer depressed? Yes and No. Medication is just half the battle. My anti-depressants just gives me a boost of a bit of happiness and energy to get out of bed and make my day.
It's like this, I have this voice in my head and I call her the bully. This bully will point out all of my flaws, say how stupid I am etc., etc. When I take my anti-depressant, instead of listening to my bully saying all these awful negative things to me and felling like shit, I'll have a conversation with it and see what can make us both happy. We try to solve my problems; and see what we can do. And no I do not speak out loud in public to my invisible bully. I do this in my head; I'm not that crazy.
It works most of the time, till my period comes in and I get all moody cause my bully is just yelling at me that I can't talk back to it. So my doctor brought me up to 15 milligrams. It seemed like it did the trick cause I was on 15 milligrams for a good year and a half. Now I'm up to 20 milligrams and it's been a month and I feel meh. There are moments when I'm having a good time, like when I play video games with friends (I play a lot of Overwatch on the PS4), but my brain likes to go back to being upset because I don't deserve to be happy. Why? Cause something happened to me last month and now my bully is as loud as ever. Or I guess she's basically at the same volume as she was before I started taking my anti-depressants.
Was this traumatic event done by your ex that you couldn't get over for 4 years? Actually no. I finally got over that... I actually have a rough draft that I've written around April, 2017 called "Spring Awakening" that explains what happened. I'll post it up one day... If I have the guts for it. No, it was done by something else; and it's all a misunderstanding and I can't do much at the moment. At this time, I don't feel like explaining this event online cause its sorta personal. Even though I express a lot and reveal the dark side myself on this blog, I'm just not ready to put it here cause this is an open to public blog and anyone can see this. But if you do know me in person and ask me about it, we can talk. Let's get back to the topic of my depression. Where did this stem from? It came from my childhood. My bully is a reflection of my low self esteem. The first time I can recall I heard these words of you're not good enough, you're not smart, you're fat... was from my own father. I love my father because he my dad. He's loving, he cares and he's awesome. But when his temper comes in it can be too much. See my mom and dad came from the Philippines and they grew up with terrible punishments. Like when my dad was young, he use to kneel on a pile of uncooked rice for an hour cause he did something wrong. He even told me recently that my grandparents use to hang him upside down. That's fucked up! When my dad moved to Canada and met my mom and had me, even though he didn't like the punishments he received as a child, he brought that to his parenting... Except I didn't get the rice or was hung upside down. Instead I would get the belt; all of it. The leather, the buckle, or the end of the belt that has a heavy weight metal attached to it. I would get bruises from it that I have to cover it whenever I go to school. Not only would I get beat up by my dad but he would also destroy any furniture that is near him. I remember he ruined my desk (you know one of those desk you would get when you were in school that opens up and all your text books are in there) by stabbing it with a pencil. He even tried to break one of my classical guitars I got as a present (this is when I became a young adult btw when I was 18 or somewhere around my 20's. So this type of parenting style has been going on for a very long time and I don't know if he'll change his anger. I can tell you this though, he doesn't beat me anymore). He would also compare me to my other friends when I was in elementary and high school. "Ann, why can't you be more like this girl. She's smart and has very good grades." My dad told me that this type of parenting style was exceptional because when he was a kid, he actually learned something from it. I am not like my father though. I am me; and my dad emotionally and mentally fucked me up. I forgave him for what he has done in the passed, but I cannot ever, EVER forget. The first time I started hating myself, I wanna say I was 4 years old. What did I do that was so wrong that I needed a beating? Well, I was a lefty. Left hands are the sign of the devil and my father, and also my mother are very devoted Catholics. My mom actually had not much part with my low self esteem. I told her about it the other day and also to my dad, about the whole left hand thing and she knew it. She knew this would happen to me and she cried about it because when I was young she begged my dad to not do this. But it happened; and here I am. This is me. The punishment I received from my dad was so scaring that I began to beat myself up whenever I use my left hand. Eventually I turned to a righty (well I'm more of an ambi. Can't write much with my left now days but I can do other things with my left. Like washing dishes, and some sports like hockey and dragon boat). As I got older and attended high school I got bullied for being a nerd and different. I got hurt from it but didn't really take much of an effect on me. I didn't start hating myself hardcore till I started college. That's when I started becoming depressed. ... I think the reason why I put myself down a lot is because I upset the people I care for; like deep in my heart. To be honest, it's whenever I'm in a relationship... I think you can see a pattern. Also my passed entries really gives it away. What else can I say? My passed relationships with men, whenever I upset them, they would say something similar to what my father had said to me. You're acting like a child, you're stupid, you're not good enough, I don't love you... Anyways, I just wanted to explain you what I've been dealing with in my head for years. What am I doing right now? Well it's now 7:34 am and I am currently listening to "Me and My Shadow" by Julie London (Spotify just randomly played this for me) and I'm in my second year of university now (wow took you 5 years after graduating college to go to university? Shut up I had my reasons <.<) But I'm still taking my 20 milligrams of my anti-depressants, 5 milligrams of melatonin to help me with my sleep cause I now have insomnia due to my depression (also the reason why I am not taking it right now is because I don't have school or work today and felt like explaining myself after that last post I made last night), and I see a therapist once a week now. Also I'm reading/listening to an audio book of "Hardcore Self Help: Fuck Depression" by Dr. Robert Duff. What I'm doing now are baby steps and they are helping me... except for school cause I have anxieties whenever I go cause I pretend like I'm fine when I'm really not and I have to run to the bathroom cause I need to puke... Yeah anxieties... But what would really help me right now (asides from being in my pjs and just be in bed all day and play video games) is to have family around. What I mean is friends, my support, my rock. Like I said earlier, medication is only half the battle, and I have some tools to fight but I'm lacking one thing. Being in a new town with a small social circle, I can get lonely. And when I'm alone, I'm alone with my bully. I'm not asking you guys to be stuck with me 24/7 but just chill with me when you can. Thanks for sticking around and hear my story. Side note, I most likely will be posting more so stay tuned for me deep shit with Annalou. And don't worry it's not like before where I cry about my ex's. I'm actually think about writing about my suicidal thoughts and attempts... Ya I know it's dark but it has a good light in the end. I also wanna write about the stigma and the social views about depression. Have a good night or day depending on what time you're reading this. I'm gonna K.O now.... It is currently 8:00am
You are getting this letter because you are an important person in my life, and I want you to understand
more about what I’m going through. I know that I can be difficult and I’m sorry for that. I know that I
probably don’t need to be sorry, but I am. In fact, I feel guilty for feeling sorry in the first place.
Ridiculous, I know. That’s how my brain works because I have depression… and yes, my mind is an
exhausting place. I want to give you this letter to help you understand a little more about what I am
going through, ask for some grace as I work this crap out, and to suggest a few ways that you can best
support me if you are willing.
The first thing I want you to know is that I am trying. Or, rather … I am trying to try. You see, 1 and 1
don’t always add up to 2 with depression. There are legitimate biological differences between me and
someone who doesn’t live with depression, which makes this a really difficult uphill battle. I am literally
fighting against my biology which tries to tell me that none of this is worth it and that I shouldn’t even
try. When people say things like, “Just think positively,” or “It’s all in your head,” it does not help at all. I
know it’s in my head, but unfortunately it is not as easy as flipping a switch and suddenly feeling better. I
know that probably have 1000 reasons to be happy, and sometimes I feel like the worst person ever for
being so down all the time despite them.
Fighting off depression is not a simple task. If it was, I would have done it already. Trust me when I say
that I am so tired of feeling like crap all of the time. I am actively trying to take steps to better myself and
steal some of my life back from this depressive monster that has crept in like a black cloud raining over
all of my thoughts and feelings. The process will involve challenging my negative thought patterns,
pushing myself to re-engage with things that I used to enjoy, working to forgive myself for letting things
get so out of hand, and finding people that I trust to be on my team. That’s why you are reading this. I
want you to be on my team. I know that I have not been the easiest person to be around recently. Maybe
my actions or inactions have even hurt you in some way. The thing is, I need support to dig myself out of
these patterns. I don’t need a yes or no answer from you right now, but I want to share a few things that
do and do not help me in case you are ever willing to lend a hand.
For now, this has to be on my terms. I am feeling more broken and fragile than I would like to admit.
Down the line, I might need a bit of a push, but for now, tough love is not what I need. That means that
unsolicited advice that worked for you or someone else is probably not helpful. Unfortunately, there is no
one size fits all approach to depression. It’s a very individualized sort of beast. Also, being told that what I
am going through is not that bad is very hurtful for me. I know that it might not be logical for me to feel
this way given my life circumstances. I know it could be worse and that there are many others in the
world who have it worse. That’s just how depression works. Intellectually knowing something and feeling
it are two very different experiences. I’m working to make them more in sync.
Though my instinct tells me otherwise, it’s probably not the best idea for me to be alone all of the time
right now. So, please have a little grace and forgiveness with me if I get irritated or act in off-putting
ways. I do want you to be here, and I really appreciate you continuing to try. I feel like a lot of people
have given up on me. I don’t want you to be one of them.
Probably the most helpful thing that you can do for me is to let me know that you are here. I forget
sometimes, so please don’t assume that I already know. Tell me that you are here if I need you. I won’t
always know the best ways that you can help me, and you don’t have to either. I mostly just need to
know that I’m not on this journey alone.
Like I said, a big part of this process of recovery is finding ways to fight back against these unhelpful
patterns of thinking that I have fallen into. Sometimes, it can be really helpful to have someone that I can
rely on as a “logical barometer.” Basically, I can tell you what my train of thought is regarding a
situation, and you can tell me whether you think it makes sense or not. You can share how you, as a nondepressed
person, might interpret it. That helps me to practice reeling in the overgeneralizing,
personalizing, and overall amplification of negative thoughts. My thoughts usually start out rooted in
reality, but they get way blown out of proportion, and you could definitely help me out by
nonjudgmentally letting me know how far off my thinking has gone. You don’t have to be “right” to help
me out with this. There are really no right or wrong answers, but I will be much better off if I have a few
people that I can get input from when I am doubting my initial interpretation of things.
I am trying to do more. This might mean that I am trying to get back to doing things that I used to enjoy,
because everything feels very bland right now. It also might mean that I am trying to get off of my butt
and be more physically active. It is so incredibly hard to find the motivation inside myself to do these
things. One change that can give me more motivation to follow through with plans is when I have a
buddy to do them along with me. Maybe you could be that person. I don’t mean that you need to do
everything with me, but if there is something that you enjoy that I might benefit from, maybe consider
inviting me along. Speaking of inviting me along, I won’t always say yes. Even if it is something as simple
as going to dinner or the movies, sometimes it feels like the weight of my symptoms are literally crushing
me, and I will pass on almost any invitation. Please keep inviting me. You don’t need to waste all of your
time trying to convince me, just don’t give up on me. Keep offering, please.
Finally, I would be so grateful if you would help other people understand what I am going through.
Hopefully at this point, you “get it” a little more. Depression is something that we are told to keep a
secret, and it is really hard for me to share my feelings sometimes. You are reading this letter because I
trust you and want you to be on my team. It is exhausting for me to reach out to each person and ask for
help, so if you could help other friends and family understand when they ask what is wrong with me, I
would really appreciate it.
If you are reading this far, that means that I was right about you. You are amazing and a perfect addition
to my depression fighting team. Like I said before, I really am trying. This is a tough battle, and I don’t
know how long it will take, but having allies like you will certainly make the process that much easier. I
am not asking for a blank slate. I know that I can sometimes say or do things that make me not so
pleasant to be around. That’s the nature of the beast. You are allowed to be upset, angry, hurt, or
annoyed at those things. I just ask that you try to understand that these things are an expression of my
depressive symptoms. They may be a part of me, but they are not the whole me. I hope this letter helps
you to understand a little more about the other part of me that is dying for a chance to get out into the
world.
Sincerely,
______________________
PS: Please feel free to ask questions. I’m sure this is a lot to take in. It’s not the easiest thing to explain. I
may not always have the answers for you, but you are welcome to ask.
