“She spent her entire childhood in the net.”
“That’s why she has troubles speaking”
“Her home is in the computer. She can only see the outside from the inside. She’s always in there, searching for herself. Searching for her family. She’s trying to find out who she is and where she’s going.”
- Otocon MGS 4
The last half of my year of 2018 went into a mess, and I am slowly picking it up and putting it together but I don’t feel so fulfilled.
I took a break from school to focus more on myself. What I have been doing for the passed 5 months was be a basement hermit, talk to my online therapist, take my meds and once in a blue moon head out and see some friends at a vape shop till 8pm and then go back to my cave and be a hermit.
I don’t know how to really socialize with peoples now days cause I’ve been so hurt for what I’ve experienced over the summer.
I don’t know how to connect with people and be close cause of what have been said to me. It urges to go straight back home, the place where I was born and raised because it’s the only place in the world where I feel safe. But I’m here in the middle of a hick town in Ontario, in a basement, hiding away sometimes crying myself to sleep cause I feel so alone.
I know I have friends back at home and other parts of the world; and they always have my back but, when you’re out alone, in a new environment trying to fit in thinking you found your second family but then suddenly cast out for a misunderstanding it’s cold, and sad, and again lonely.
Lately, to make myself feel better and connect with other people out there is that I just submerged myself in the interwebs. I Put myself out on Twitch.tv. I started streaming myself putting my true self out there (well sorta), warts and all, my depression, my anxieties and agression all for everyone to see and to accept me for who I am. I gained a few friends online and I hope to meet them one day in future events like, Twitch-con, Twitch meet ups and AGDQ. But the main reason why I streamed is because I wanted to share the video game that saved my life; Metal Gear Solid. I wanted to stream it because I want people to know what it means to me, and hope they get the same message and know that they’re not the only one who suffers.
A girl one day thanked me, because she went through a similar situation that I have and saw the same message that I witnessed in the game.
That touched me and that encourages me to stream more to find people liked her and just connect. And I have! But I still feel alone, cause I’m alone in the physical world.
Last night I did my final stream of the year. It was fun, but as I was about to end, I said to my viewers that I wish them a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And that I wish that they succeeded in their goals this year and if not, then do it for next year in 2019.... I got sad.
I got sad because I’m not happy with the way 2018 is about to end.
In a nutshell, for the past few days now my brain is just saying, “I don’t want time to continue, I don’t want this year to end, I’m not happy with the way it’s ending and I don’t care for Christmas and I don’t care for New Years. I don’t want any responsibilities, I don’t like to be in dept, and I’m scared of going back to school. I just want to focus on me and fix things.”
... I’m scared of talking to the person who hurt me recently, but at the same time I want to cause this person needs to know. But I don’t know if this person will understand....
Am I hung up on this person? Yeah you can say that (and no it is not my ex boyfriend that you think who fucked me up) but, I don’t want this guy to be my significant other, I just want my friend back.
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