If you can see to your left, my google+ account tells you tells you that I'm a "fun loving kooky gal." It's true, I mean heck I'm the one who wrote it, but that's not me as a whole. The truth is, I'm not always kooky, and I'm not always fun and loving; especially to myself.
People tell me that I'm a strong independent person. It seemed like I have that image when I was in college (which is something I will bring up in another post) but I don't feel like I am strong or independent. I depend on peoples happiness; especially to the ones that I really care for. If their not happy, I'm not happy. And if I've done something that ruined their happiness, even for the smallest things, then I think about it for a long time. It could be for a whole day, to weeks, to months, to even years. I tell myself "Look what you've done! You're fucking stupid! You ruined everything and it's your fault! You've cause this! You'll never get it right! Now you're gonna lose everything you stupid!" I am my own worst enemy, my own bully. And with all these negative thoughts running through my head, I physically beat myself up. I scratch myself, hit myself... beat my head against a wall. I do it because of two things, one, I "deserve" to be punished and two, I can't stand my own thoughts and feelings in my head that I physically have to let it out.
A week ago, I started an argument with someone that I care for dearly. This someone and I were a couple, and our relationship was amazing; I never regretted anything from it. But things withered out, and it just happened that we rushed into things, and that someone that I care for dearly, just wasn't fully ready to be in a relationship. I will not give the full reason why due to privacy, but the summary of it was that he was not fully happy with himself. "Love thyself, before you can love others." It took me a while to see it; and when I finally did, accompanied with a very long conversation, I agreed with the break up. I did it because I still care for him and that I want him to be happy. But like all break ups, this one was hard. And one thing about our relationship was that it was a long distance; as in he's from another country. So saying bye from afar terribly affected my heart and I just couldn't stand it.
We talked about it and agreed that I could visit him for a week. Though it was hard on both of us to see each other, the visit was nice and fun. I said thanks and bye to him physically, and then I went home; I was sad but I was okay. But when I got home, we both made a mistake. We still kept talking to each other. I allowed it to happen and I was comfortable with it when I shouldn't be; he realised it too. What went from talking almost single everyday on Facebook messenger and on Skype, quickly disappeared; and I wasn't ready for that quick change. But to be honest, we broke up a month ago.
When the person I care for the most started becoming distant, I should of handle it and understand. We aren't together anymore. Trying to be friends right after a break up is impossible; and trying to move on together is also another impossible thing. That's how I was thinking; moving on together.... I thought if we were to do things together, it would be easier for me to be fine about us and that I would be okay. But we both just have to think about ourselves and take different paths, and he made first move in doing that.
... I have a terrible reaction to when I lose things precious. When he stopped talking to me, my mind and body went into a depressive state, and I look dead inside. I became sick for a while and puked several times. I failed to see what he is truly doing; taking care of himself and moving on like I want him to. But what was going through my mind at the time was that he doesn't care about how I feel anymore. When I had these thoughts and feelings, I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to because I don't want to deal with these feelings and I don't want to be mad at him and I don't want to go off in moving on being mad at him. But how I started the conversation when I did get into contact, I turned out to be mad.
The conversation escalated into an argument and I've said and done a lot of foolish things. I pulled a tantrum and made a big fuss over something that was not done wrong, but right. He became distant with me because he doesn't want me have false hope and be attached.
Remember when I said that I depend on the people happiness; and if I've caused something to them upset them, I go into a dark place in my mind where my inner bully insults me? Well that "conversation" I had with him, made me ruined something that was going fine between us; and I should of left it that way. I agreed with the break up because I want him to be happy in the end. But I'm had troubles setting him free and acted like a foolish child; it wasn't making him happy. Seeing that it was my fault, everything came crushing down on me.
Some of the people I know, don't like me when I'm in this mood and they find me annoying. Having that in mind, plus with the feelings of losing someone really close, and the feelings of regret because I've upset that person I care for, I didn't want to deal with myself.
I almost ended my life then and there.
I stared at a knife for a while. Thinking to myself, if I were to do this, I wouldn't be causing anymore problems for him, I wouldn't be fucking up anymore, people wouldn't have to deal with me being depressed and I wouldn't have to deal with me being sick, having this pain, and my inner bully constantly insulting me. I was home alone that night, and there's no one there to stop me. But somehow a reasoning came through and made me stop myself with what I was about to commit. If I truly have done it, would it really make anyone happy? Would the person I still have feelings for be happy? Do I want him to deal with this for the rest of his life, thinking that he's responsible and be unhappy? Would I be happy? I wouldn't feel any from it because I would be dead. It wouldn't solve anything. "Its a short term solution to a long term problem," how my friend would say.
... I told him what I've almost done, and I feel terrible about it. But the reason why I told him is because I value his happiness and committing suicide would just cause him more pain. I just have to live... for him.... but most importantly for me. But I regret that I told him, cause I just added more pain when he has already enough... I couldn't bare to keep it in myself though. If I were to just go on and say everything is "fine" with me, then I'm lying to myself; and I'm terrible at lying.
Now we're not talking at all....
Our last conversation with each other blew up. We both yelled at each other and we said our goodbyes. I didn't want our goodbyes to ended with such anger but it did. I fell like with all the things I've said and done just pushed him over the edge.
Everyday when I wake up now, I can't stop thinking to myself that the man I was deeply connected to, now possibly hates me and is still angry at me for all the pain I've caused. My yelling, my tantrums, my self beatings.... me almost committing suicide; this all hurts him and he thinks he's responsible for me acting this way because he broke my heart. But the reality is, I'm responsible for my own actions; and the way I handle things is not the right way.
So the reason why I've created this blog is to make a change within myself. I am a very destructive person when I'm upset. I've come to realize that my own actions have pushed away a lot of people I care about; and I really hate that about me. Now I have to go on a journey where I have to find myself and love myself before I can love others; and control my anger because not only do I hurt myself, I hurt the people who are close to me. I'm taking it one step at a time but I have already started since last week. To save myself from pulling another tantrum and making big fuss, I've limited my communications online. What I meant is that I disabled my Facebook and other my online social community accounts because I might misinterpret some post. It's not as if I'm being
ignorant, I'm just unstable to handle some news at the moment. Being indulge in
social media would only distract me on looking within myself when I'm looking
at other peoples lives. Right now I need to be thinking about myself and take
care and control of myself. I need to find my inner peace and love myself.So
this blog is to keep track of my emotional journey in reaching my goals of
finding, loving and controlling myself; and I'm going to try to do this on my
own. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to do this, but I felt with what I've
done so far it is the right path.
To the readers,
if you have any advice for me please leave a comment. I greatly appreciate your
support. The purpose of this blog is not only about the change within myself,
but I also want to share with you me. Who I am, who I was, my thoughts and
feelings and my future experience.
To the man I still care for dearly, if you are reading this, I'm sorry for all the pain and troubles I've caused; but I want to say thank you though. I finally understand now. I wasn't waiting for someone to take care of me, I was waiting for someone to tell me to take care of myself. I hope you're doing well in taking care of yourself; I'm doing the same thing too. Hope to hear from you one day.
